I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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