So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
