I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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