Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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