The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
