I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
