Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
