I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
