Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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