i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize