He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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