I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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