she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize