i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
