Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
