I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize