Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
