I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How does one acquire holy water?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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