If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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