apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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