There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
