i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
