Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
