I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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