Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize