I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
