Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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