Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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