So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
