Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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