Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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