i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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