I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
