btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
