ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
