I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
...so i touched it.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
