you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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