Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
