So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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