My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
