You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
