I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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