Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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