I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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