I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
