when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
