Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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