sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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