My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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