The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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