I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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