we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
