My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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