I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
