You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
